Let’s get a few things out of the way, shall we?
One, I sometimes curse like a sailor. Not always, but when the mood strikes it’s helpful to convey my feelings. Maybe you are okay with it. If not, I’m trying not to apologize for being me, so suck it up. There has been recent research that suggest people who tend to embellish with lovely taboo words are actually more honest, and in some cases, more intelligent. There you have it folks, I’m a fucking genius. I’m also extremely modest.
Two, I mentioned that I am an ultrasound technologist (NOT a technician, there is a distinct difference). This does not mean that I can read your mother’s brother’s ultrasound for you and explain it. Well, actually it does mean I can do that, but I shouldn’t. Yes, I know what I’m looking at when I’m performing a variety of ultrasounds. No, I’m not going to tell you what I see. I didn’t go to med school, I don’t get paid nearly enough to diagnose you or be liable for misdiagnosing you. I will gladly give pointers or tell you what to expect during certain exams. I get asked the same questions, and deal with the same balked expressions when I tell a patient we are going to be doing an internal ultrasound. So no worries, I can answer a multitude of those kind of questions. BUT, I REPEAT, I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Please don’t send me pictures of your weird rashes.
Three, and really not of much importance, I am and have been trying to follow a grain-free diet for a couple of years now. I have fallen of the wagon a couple times, but for the most part I’m still riding along with a bruised ass. I will not try to convert you to this weird religion of no bread…but I may share some recipes that I have come up with along the way. If you have any questions about this particular lifestyle choice, I will gladly share my experiences. When I tell people this, they usually look at me like I’m a crazy person…Texans don’t turn down food. For the record, I fucking love food. I loved bread more than all the others foods. I WANT ALL THE BREADS. …But I also am getting old enough to realize it was an addiction that was making me sick, like Meth or crack cocaine…from what I’ve heard/seen on HBO.
Lastly, I slipped and said I am a Texan in the last paragraph. Don’t hold that against me, okay? I don’t say “y’all” in everyday conversation or ever. I am not a homophobic republican that listens to an all-knowing pastor every Sunday believing that he has a direct line to the almighty, all while letting it influence my work and social life and imposing my faith on everyone else in the world who have a right to their own beliefs. How’s that for a run-on sentence? Not that I have a problem with republicans or your religion, but I do not agree with blindly following people in a position of “importance,” or extremism. Live and let live, if you will. I read Harry Potter. I don’t own a horse or a gun. I don’t even own a cowboy hat or boots. I don’t discriminate against any race, gender, or sexual orientation. I do tend to discriminate against stupid. And I am surrounded by a lot of stupid.
Now that that is out of the way, can we have some fun? Or at least can I have an outlet for my blatant narcissism? Either way, let’s do this.